More Than Imagined

22 June 2024
My Last Friend is here for the long run.

—Adam Silvera,
They Both Die at the End


Two blackbirds perched at the tiptop of a bare, bushy tree against a clear blue sky

Are you my Last Friend?



“STIK BOY” graffitied on a railing overlooking woodland undergrowth

Are you going to stick?



A small, lopsided tule basket held up over a rug littered with tule sticks, as other humans work on their own tule baskets

He twirled me and I twirled him; he brought me in close and I followed. He curled me into him and he spun me out. Everyone was clapping. And we looked into each other’s eyes, and we forgot ourselves.

. . . A sleepy heat spread through me like the sunshine trapped in sand.

—Allegra Goodman,
Paradise Park


On a sunlit deck, a fluffy brown cat with his back against an outstretched human leg, half-turned toward the human, paw curled, green eyes smiling

We go together somehow, anyway.



The basket, nestlike, on a blue-cloth background, looking like a museum piece

One basket case with another.



The basket on a table with demonstration baskets in various stages, under a whiteboard with basketweaving illustrations

It takes both great courage and great vulnerability to live outside concepts, to meet each new experience, each new relationship, each new emotional landscape on its own terms and let it in turn expand the terms of living.

—Maria Popova, “The Other Significant Others: Living and Loving outside the Confines of Conventional Friendship and Compulsory Coupledom”

It just takes time to get a handle on things.



The basket, now with a thin, twisted-tule handle, on a greenhouse table next to produce and potted plants

. . . Even the richest in money is poorer in most ways than a hunter-gatherer, traditional pastoralist, remote peasant villager, or anyone living in what Orland Bishop calls “cultures of memory,” as pilgrims to the Hadza or Quero or Kogi or other remote, gift-based societies will readily confirm.

—Charles Eisenstein, “Machines Will Not Replace Us”

Getting a handle and gaining control aren’t quite the same thing, though.


I felt really wobbly when he first got going, but as he picks up a good enough speed to throw a breeze our way, I appreciate the control I’m entrusting to him.

It’s freeing.

—Adam Silvera,
They Both Die at the End

It’s about discovering how best to hold whoever we’re mooning over.



A can of Morgan Territory’s Moon Time Hazy IPA on the arm of a wooden deck-chair at dusk

In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself within a dark woods where the straight way was lost.

—Dante Alighieri,
Inferno


A white silhouette of a buck painted on dark-stained wood

Maybe I didn’t see my way out of my problems, but I was always ready for a solution to come along. That’s huge: readiness. As Hamlet once said, it’s “all.” You have to be open to ideas. You have to be ready—you have to be on your toes—then, boom! Your whole life might be transformed. All of a sudden you’re looking at a whole different picture.

—Allegra Goodman,
Paradise Park

The Beloved can take many forms.



The silhouette of a cat in front of a nightlight and a cracked-open door in a pale but dim, spacious room, wherein there’s a sense of angles being strange

But what is Night Raid actually trying to say? Perhaps the song attempts to present the idea that the everyday human gesture is always a heartbeat away from the miraculous—that ultimately we make things happen through our actions, way beyond our understanding or intention; that our seemingly small ordinary human acts have untold consequences; that what we do in this world means something; that we are not nothing; and that our most quotidian human actions by their nature burst the seams of our intent and spill meaningfully and radically through time and space, changing everything. Night Raid tells us that our deeds, no matter how insignificant they may feel, are replete with meaning, and of vast consequence, and that they constantly impact upon the unfolding story of the world, whether we know it or not.

—Nick Cave,
The Red Hand Files #216

Everything depends on going through the door.



Among redwood silhouettes, a cracked-open can on a deck railing, the top reflecting a bright Moon above, which echoes the nightlight in the previous photo and has a lens flare on either side as if with arms flung wide

Have a peek first, if you like.



A tabby cat peeking out a window at a cherry tree in blossom and green pasture beyond

If we look with curiosity at people who do not share our values, they become interesting rather than threatening.

—Nick Cave,
The Red Hand Files #252


A bluebird peeking down from just on the other side of a roof’s peak

Sooner or later, the big stories you peek at will peek back at you.


And I longed to be there, although in the dream I was there already; but I had a great yearning towards this house, for it was my real home. And as I felt that, the lamp was dimmed and the house went dark, and I saw that the fireflies were out and glowing, and there was the smell of milkweed blossoms from the fields all around, and the warm damp air of the summer evening against my cheek, so mild and soft. And a hand was slipped into mine.

And just then there was a knocking at the door.

—Margaret Atwood,
Alias Grace


A brilliant Moon peeking through redwood silhouettes, haloed by a spectacular splay of rippled clouds

I think it’s time we stop being bashful about one of the very best things humanity can still claim.

We love love. We love love stories. Why is this shameful? . . .

How do we get people to fall in love with the earth again?

I think it is through love stories and a healthy dose of smut. I think it is through propulsive storytelling that cares more for ecologies of relationship than for literary acrobatics.

Give me spice. Give me dragons. Give me romance. Give me back an earth where the mountains and rivers and trees can talk.

—Sophie Strand, “Why We Need Romantasy”


A cloud resembling a baby dragon emerging above the slope of a scrub hill. Photo by Facet 44.

Then one looked back again at the blue; and rapidly, very very quickly, all the colors faded; it became darker and darker as at the beginning of a violent storm; the light sank and sank; we kept saying this is the shadow; and we thought now it is over—this is the shadow; when suddenly the light went out.

—Virginia Woolf,
A Writer’s Diary

The door at the end opens. Inside it is the sea.

—Margaret Atwood,
Alias Grace


Two Adirondack-style chairs side by side, facing moonlight and also aligned so as to be facing the dragon in the previous photo

Have a seat, if you’re so inclined.


I had very strongly the feeling as the light went out of some vast obeisance; something kneeling down and suddenly raised up when the colors came. They came back astonishingly lightly and quickly and beautifully in the valley and over the hills—at first with a miraculous glittering and ethereality, later normally almost, but with a great sense of relief. It was like recovery. We had been much worse than we had expected. We had seen the world dead. This was within the power of nature.

—Virginia Woolf,
A Writer’s Diary


The right-hand chair, now with a colorfully patched cushion, spotlit in moonlight next to the left, in shadow

Just know that the story can’t be controlled, only explored.



The brilliant Moon shining through an opening among silhouettes of treetops and the corner of a roof

“. . . What did he say?”

“That love is a superpower we all have, but it’s not always a superpower I’d be able to control. Especially as I get older. Sometimes it’ll go crazy and I shouldn’t be scared if my power hits someone I’m not expecting it to. . . .”

—Adam Silvera,
They Both Die at the End

See?


All this light was pouring in on me, and I started to open my eyes. I didn’t know where in the world I was, and I reached over, but no one was there.

—Allegra Goodman,
Paradise Park


An out-of-focus stellar jay with a peanut on a railing in the foreground, with an in-focus jay in the distance, on a sunlit tree among others in shadow, gazing with great interest toward the first jay

There’s a hazardous sadness to the first sounds of someone else’s work in the morning; it’s as if stillness experiences pain in being broken.

—Jonathan Franzen,
Freedom


An Adirondack chair with cushion pulled onto the boards of a sunlit corner of a deck, laptop set up in front of it, as though the chair is holding whoever sits on the cushion to work on the laptop

Lovers hold each other in all kinds of ways—including in absence, when it’s time to be alone.


It’s a big wall.

But it’s a big pile of dirt, and I’m a big artist.

I slap handfuls of mud on the warm cement. I make a handprint.

—Katherine Applegate,
The One and Only Ivan

It’s a kind of home.



A brown bird peering down from a barbed-wire fence next to a house-shaped birdfeeder

Into the glade fluttered small birds of half a dozen varieties drawn by the anguished outcries of the tiny parents. No one dared to attack the raven. But they cried there in some instinctive common misery, the bereaved and the unbereaved. The glade filled with their soft rustling and their cries. They fluttered as though to point their wings at the murderer. There was a dim intangible ethic he had violated, that they knew. He was a bird of death. And he, the murderer, the black bird at the heart of life, sat on there, glistening in the common light, formidable, unmoving, unperturbed, untouchable. The sighing died. It was then I saw the judgment. It was the judgment of life against death. I will never see it again so forcefully presented. I will never hear it again in notes so tragically prolonged. For in the midst of protest, they forgot the violence. There, in that clearing, the crystal note of a song sparrow lifted hesitantly in the hush. And finally, after painful fluttering, another took the song, and then another, the song passing from one bird to another, doubtfully at first, as though some evil thing were being slowly forgotten. Till suddenly they took heart and sang from many throats joyously together as birds are known to sing. They sang because life is sweet and sunlight beautiful. They sang under the brooding shadow of the raven. In simple truth they had forgotten the raven, for they were the singers of life, and not of death.

—Loren Eiseley,
The Star Thrower

Even if missing—fearful, perhaps, or taking their own time—your beloved is spinning a story with you.



A spider huddled in the shady part of a half-sparkling tangle of web between the top of a railing and the base of a post

A prison does not only lock its inmates inside, it keeps all others out. Her strongest prison is of her own construction.

—Margaret Atwood,
Alias Grace


As a table centerpiece, three porcelain eggs in porcelain flower cups, a small bowl of dried citrus slices and cinnamon, and a blue glass dolphin

“Civilization,” I said, “is such a scam. It’s all about affiliations, and school. And pleasing other people.”

Leilani bobbed up and down, yes.

. . . She knew. Her mind was tremendous. The way Leilani thought, she was always three steps ahead of you. People from the university were always evaluating her intelligence, yet the essence of it was impossible to pin down in some academic test—because her intellect was all intuitive.

—Allegra Goodman,
Paradise Park

Understandably, no one wants to be trapped.



An open hand carrying a longhorn beetle outside

. . . It was amazing how the so-called necessities of life turned out to be so forgettable. Like newspapers, or plumbing, or cars. None of that mattered. And that’s what I loved.

. . . There they lived in their giant aviaries in total harmony—since all their basic needs were taken care of. But if the structure is imposed from the outside, how can a place be a true utopia? A real paradise, that would have to come from inside the birds themselves; that would come from their own hearts. . . . And how can you even begin to have a breakthrough when your forest canopy is all you have, and you can never rise above it, due to the roof of your glorified cage?

—Allegra Goodman,
Paradise Park

So I take us outside.



The beetle licking skin between ringfinger and scabbed pinky

In fact no one can be trapped forever.


The captive raised her hand and pressed it to her brow;
“I have been struck,” she said, “and I am suffering now;
Yet these are little worth, your bolts and irons strong:
And, were they forged in steel, they could not hold me long.”

—Emily Bronte, “The Prisoner”

Just respect that my flesh is tender and already scarred.



The beetle on a lichen-covered spoke of a wagon wheel

This is a taste of the honey I have to offer one who can receive it gently.


. . . Nothing tells the truth better than my tears.

What wouldn’t I give to sit with each one of them at the same time? Every tear that ever rivered out my eyes filling flower vases, sea glass bottles, bear-shaped honey jars. Oh the thank yous I would whisper to the tears wiped from my face by other people’s tender hands. The backflips I would do to celebrate the proof that the tears I cried for grief and the tears I cried for beauty were the same. Because of that, I no longer wish away my hardest days. Spinning out, a kind of pirouette. Losing hope, a kind of rest.

I’ve spoken so much about my joy these past years, I sometimes fear I’ve not spoken enough about the tears that got me here. How my therapist said,
You can’t shut yourself off to grief without also shutting yourself off to joy. Think of it like a kink in a hose. Stop the flow of sadness, you stop the flow of happiness at the same time.

—Andrea Gibson, “The Tears That Got Me Here"


A rainbow peeking from behind trees beyond a closed gate

Stories are going on beyond and beneath things.



The tabby’s ears and sides seen through the slats of a wooden chair’s seat

This one opened my floodgates:


I leaned over the side of the boat. I sent my thoughts down into the water: “I can see how you wouldn’t want to come up with all these people around. Why should you? It’s crass. It’s worse than that. It’s the descendants here of the folks who killed your ancestors. What a sick little world.” But I was also thinking, Please, please come. I was thinking, Whale, please show your face here, because we need you. We do. I was thinking, Please, whale, come out, because there are some people here who miss your presence. . . .

Then I saw them. Two clouds coming up from underneath the sea, and they were two whales, big ones, and they came up like these black clouds from underneath, enormous but swift, from right under the boat. And suddenly everyone was on top of me and Wayne; they were pushing and squishing us against the railing, and there were cameras and the announcer was talking, but I didn’t even notice. . . . The shadows were melting back under the water.

Then one whale came back. The whale’s flukes began to lift. Our boat was still. The whole vessel was frail next to her. She was massive as a building, and almost close enough to touch. In a rush her flukes came up. Our boat rocked backward. It was as if the whole ocean slid back for an instant, the surface of the water sliding off and opening as that tail reached and tipped itself. It was as if the whole ocean was sliding open. And I saw something there. The world was big, not little. The place was deep. The sky swung back in liquid gold, the air mixed with the water. I saw something. It was a whale, but not just the whale. It was a vision. It was a vision of God.

I was shivering, just in pure terror; just in shock—because all of a sudden I’d seen it—all the power under the world, all this presence and wisdom that wasn’t human.

. . . I wouldn’t go out anymore. No dinners, no movies, no more Kailua Drive-in. No more bar-hopping in Waikiki. I wouldn’t even sleep with Wayne anymore.

Wayne tried to be patient with me, but I was not back to my old self. I was just not the same.

—Allegra Goodman,
Paradise Park

From there, the Beloved sends messages.



A big white dog sprawled on a walkway beyond a laptop screen displaying a quote: “Today I long not less, but my longing is friendly with patience, and even waiting.”

Why is loving someone who doesn’t love me back a sad tune? Isn’t the one who loves, the one who is lucky?

—Andrea Gibson, “The Birds Wrote Me a Poem”

Their spirit shines in strings of lights.



The setting Sun crouched behind a tangle of power lines and as-yet unlit lights at a bayside outdoor eatery

we’re seeing fishboy romance levels at about 73%

—levelbot (@levelbot@mastodon.social)

Their soul speaks from the setting Sun.



A lamplit calico cat curled up on a lap, from the perspective of the lap-haver, who’s on a leather living-room chair and wearing narwhal-print pajama pants

The scale and spread of ant societies is a reminder that humans should not confuse impact with control. We may be able to change our environment, but we’re almost powerless when it comes to manipulating our world exactly how we want. . . .

[Biosphere 2’s] giant terrarium in the Arizona desert, funded by a billionaire financier in the late 1980s, was intended as a grand experiment and model for long-distance space travel and colonisation. It was designed to be a self-sustaining living system, inhabited by eight people, with no links to the world’s atmosphere, water, soil. Except that, soon after it began operations in 1991, the black crazy ant (Paratrechina longicornis), a unicolonial species originally from southeast Asia, found a way in, reshaped the carefully engineered invertebrate community inside, and turned the place into a honeydew farm.

—John Whitfield, “Ant Geopolitics”

Their colors change as Autumn comes on, when at last you gain full access to the three-flavored honey of love, trust, and respect.



The calico padding purposefully across a deck toward a low laptop, which is open to the picture of two mushrooms in “Here Comes (More Than) Hope”

Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable.

—Mary Oliver,
Evidence

I, for one, say we follow in golden footsteps.



A screwtop stamped with a golden footprint, on a partly empty white-wine bottle with a single drip on the neck

“Mother!” she said. “Giving the boy honey. You’ll rot his teeth.”

Old Mrs. Hempstock shrugged. “I’ll have a word with the wigglers in his mouth,” she said. “Get them to leave his teeth alone.”

—Neil Gaiman,
The Ocean at the End of the Lane

I think that’s how we outgrow the hard road.



A dirty bare foot on asphalt, with a three-leaf clover caught between the toes

The point of this whole sojourn into the material world is to become attached. . . . It is to build relationships with people and matter, relationships that grow us, relationships that always end in grief because they cannot last forever. We are here to love and to lose and to love again. That is why, when life fills up with objects that required little effort to obtain, we feel less present, less alive, and hungry for something consumer culture cannot name.

. . . The unfulfillment of vapid consumption feels akin to that of casual sexual encounters. The human sex drive seeks something more than momentary gratification. It seeks to attach. It seeks to create. It seeks relationship. It seeks family.

A friend of mine is extremely wealthy—the majority shareholder of a billion-dollar company. His grandfather lives in a nursing home. Every day, my friend makes breakfast for his grandpa and drives it over himself to the nursing home to feed it to him. He could easily hire someone to do all that, but he is somebody who understands what real wealth is. The spiritual dividend from his “investment” in his grandfather is a kind of wealth that fires cannot burn and thieves cannot steal.

. . . A great paradox of modern life is that, despite its unprecedented efficiency, despite the centuries of inventions to save us time, we have less time than ever. We are the first culture in history to be so poor that millions of us cannot attend to the most precious, intimate moments of life.

—Charles Eisenstein, “Machines Will Not Replace Us”

Maybe we’ll even taste a golden paradise.



A can of Golden State Cider’s Radical Paradise, held up above feet crossed over jumbled branches, a decrepit dock, and a sparkling bay

All has been thought of. I did not want to tell you everything at once, as we feared the shock of such happiness coming after such misery might be too much for you, it sometimes has that effect. But a good home has been provided for you . . . and once you have gone there you may leave the sad past behind you . . . . It will be a new life.

—Margaret Atwood,
Alias Grace


A brilliant double rainbow over a sunlit chicken enclosure and pasture, with a comparatively tiny human off to the side, hands lifted, taking a picture

. . . They were surrounded by a golden haze, as if gold dust had fallen down out of the sky all over them . . . .

—Margaret Atwood,
Alias Grace

We might, in fact, fly.



In a forest clearing, a glowing wire dragonfly—golden in sunlight—who appears to be launching from a rusty, two-pronged firepoker leaned against a stump that has a black feather sticking up from it, beyond all of which is an empty chair, such that the dragonfly is juxtaposed over the chair’s seat

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame;

—Gerard Manley Hopkins, “As Kingfishers Catch Fire”

The point is not to reach the Sun, which would be disastrous, but to explore your very own ray.



The fluffy brown cat curled up on a lap, from the perspective of the lap-haver, who’s on a woven porch-chair

After that night I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I forgave everybody, even the mites.

—Allegra Goodman,
Paradise Park


Outstretched legs crossed in sunlight, with a fly on one of them

Perhaps we’ll find ourselves fully aligned.


And there we were, in a kind of harmony; and the evening was so beautiful, that it made a pain in my heart, as when you cannot tell whether you are happy or sad; and I thought that if I could have a wish, it would be that nothing would ever change, and we could stay that way forever.

—Margaret Atwood,
Alias Grace


A potted rock-rose plant with two long branches reaching in the same direction

The key to our coherence together was our deeply felt, deeply shared purpose. . . .

—Tom Atlee of The Co-Intelligence Institute

Open toward the same warmth.



The same sparkling bay with the Sun shining through living branches above

“And I was thinking, maybe lighting candles is like sending up a flare. Maybe there really are a lot of other worlds out there. Maybe we’re just part of an archipelago stringing out into space, and maybe all our acts are truly connected with the infinite.”

—Allegra Goodman,
Paradise Park


Two bright daffodils surrounded by greenery, looking out together

Come, see
real flowers
of this painful world.

—Matsuo Basho

Our ship asail over waters troubled or true.



A sailboat glimpsed through branches, sailing past a gap between two docks

In conclusion, he wished to say that every ship afloat had a rat or two aboard, and this was a sign of luck because it was the rats who knew first when a ship was fated to sink, so he did not want to be bothered about it, should some well-bred lady happen to catch sight of one.

—Margaret Atwood,
Alias Grace

Hand in hand.



A black cat’s white-tipped paw resting on the inner crook of a human elbow

I hope we do.


It was such a quiet act of kindness. The simplest and most articulate of gestures, but, at the same time, it meant more than all that anybody had tried to tell me . . . because of the failure of language in the face of catastrophe.

—Nick Cave,
Faith, Hope and Carnage

She said, “Just keep holding my hand. Don’t let go. Whatever happens, don’t let go.”

Her hand was warm, but not sweaty. It was reassuring.

—Neil Gaiman,
The Ocean at the End of the Lane

Even in darkness, we’ll know the peace of true companionship.



A black cat with a white nose, curled up on a weathered wicker-chair cushion

So I guess then a new seed was planted in me, but I didn’t know it. I hardly believed in seeds anymore. If I did see one I thought the worst of it. Whereas before when I was so naive I assumed just about any stray idea could possibly turn into a gorgeous flowering shrub, now I’d think—Well, you never know.

—Allegra Goodman,
Paradise Park

We might even wish to stay with the darkness.



The black cat stretched over a human-shaped lump of blankets as though to keep the human there forever

The darkness, so full of understanding, might wish to stay with us.



The black cat on a crosslegged lap, his legs wrapped around one of the lap’s legs, in love

Sometimes the joy can be almost too much.


The black cat curled into a blissful ball, head tucked, tail and white paws crisscrossing in front of him

But only almost.


“I’m the one,” I said. “I’m the one who all of a sudden upends the apple cart. I don’t even know why. Whatever happened to the person I used to be, who used to meditate?”

Jane just squinched her eyes shut as I rubbed her front, since cats do not tend to empathize much with guilt and self-loathing.

—Allegra Goodman,
Paradise Park


An apple blossom with two buds about to bloom, on a tree with a big rock formation in the background. Photo by Facet 44.

We were walking beneath a canopy of apple-blossom then, and the world smelled like honey.

—Neil Gaiman,
The Ocean at the End of the Lane


Bare feet resting on soft moss erupting from between flagstones

The point I want to make is that despite the hardships these challenges brought, my bond with the land and nature always revived my joy. Nature taught me resilience, and how to move on after every single tear and find my joy again.

—Gurdeep Pandher, “The Joy of Visiting My Roots and the Importance of Becoming a Citizen of the Universe”

I abandon myself to joy—
I laugh—I sing.
Too long have I walked a desolate way,
Too long stumbled down a maze
Bewildered.

—Clarissa Scott Delaney, “Joy”

Not that there’s anything wrong with bewilderment.


Leaning among bracken and fallen redwood fronds against a redwood trunk, a painting (by Alison Lemmer) of a figure in a dress, perhaps in a stance of bewilderment, looking over a scrub landscape with grassy, tree-laced hills beyond


Love is the ark appointed for the righteous,
Which annuls the danger and provides a way of escape.
Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.
Cleverness is mere opinion, bewilderment intuition.

—Jalal al-Din Rumi


A wine-soaked rescue fly drawing a damp curve across the edge of an outdoor table

The sun was shining and every stone of the wall seemed as clear as glass and lighted up like a lamp, it was like passing through the gates of Hell and into Paradise, I do believe the two are located closer together than most people think.

—Margaret Atwood,
Alias Grace

At some point, all must leave the darkness and come into the light, at least for a while.



The tabby sitting on a pale rug, exactly on a line of shadow and light, looking toward the light

Fortunately, none of us can lose ourselves permanently here, because of the pre-programmed safeguard we call death.

—Charles Eisenstein, “Machines Will Not Replace Us”

Light has its own beauty.



A bright, hopeful-looking little mushroom sprouting in sunlight directly from the trunk of a fallen tree, lit like a performer on a stage, casting a crisp shadow

[Artists] live at times in their rare moments of happiness with such strength and indescribable beauty, the spray of their moment’s happiness is flung so high and dazzingly over the wide sea of suffering, that the light of it, spreading its radiance, touches others too with its enchantment. Thus, like a precious, fleeting foam over the sea of suffering arise all those works of art, in which a single individual lifts himself for an hour so high above his personal destiny that his happiness shines like a star and appears to all who see it as something eternal and as a happiness of their own.

—Herman Hesse,
Steppenwolf

We’ll take our time.



“Where’d you come from?”—a baby slug on my thumb, in front of knees in red, owl-print pajama pants, with bracken beyond

There’s no rush.



A spotted banana slug questing out from under a rock wall, beneath a fat succulent like a green sun in a stone sky

We all know how the years revolve quicker and quicker as we get older, until, with the approach of old age, they slow down again because we begin to measure them against the psychologically and somatically anticipated date of our departure.

—Hannah Arendt,
The Life of the Mind

Darkness and light are in fact cozy with each other.



The calico cat sitting on a dark jacket on a cluttered counter—with an expression like, I dare you to make me get down—near an unlit white candle next to a black cat figurine

. . . This is the stuff of life, this is why we are here, living. The time we have is short, the people we want to do things with are not promised for tomorrow. You will never be as young, capable and healthy as you are today. Things change. Right now you have opportunities sitting in front of you and if you say yes, you will experience, you will change, you will face fears, you will complete things and you will make memories.

. . . At the same time, it seems like we are all so tired. Like, deep tired. Like soul tired. . . . You are changing a long line of choices and behaviors that hurt and caused damage generation after generation. . . .

Find what really calls you that you want to live, bring into the world and experience. Rest a lot. In between, take steps toward those things. If you want land out west, start looking at land. . . .

The world needs what you have to offer now more than ever.

Amanita Dreamer, “Early April” 2024 newsletter


The black cat nuzzling the white dog at the top of porch steps down to the walkway

“The concept of a binary separation of life and death is incredibly antiquated,” Parnia told me at a recent live event at the Morgan Library in New York City. He’s an intensive care physician at the NYU School of Medicine and one of the world’s leading experts on resuscitation medicine.

—Steve Paulson, “The Blurred Line between Life and Death”

After emerging into the light and searching fruitlessly, the Beloved is delivered a withering leaf.



A closeup of the slug, munching happily, with lower toothlike thing visible

. . . Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.

—Steve Jobs, 2005 graduation address at Stanford University

I cannot convince you not to feel guilty if you forget the anniversary of my death, or if you realize days or weeks or months have gone by without thinking of me.

I just want you to live.

—Adam Silvera,
They Both Die at the End

Something more is going on here than meets the eye.



The fluffy brown cat on a crosslegged lap, looking with interest off to the side

This bit of fluff, a runt with less than the usual allotment of intellect, is spared by predators—inexplicably protected.



A tall, decorative jar, taped shut, containing milkweed fluff with seeds, a snakeskin, and, beneath and behind them, something unidentifiable

Most of the work had already been done. She saw that she was almost free, and to take the last step felt kind of terrible, but not terrible in a bad way, if that makes any sense.

—Jonathan Franzen,
Freedom

A Seer—Seen, a Seed—is freed.



The cat on a deck with his long shadow, looking up at something out of frame

To be truly vulnerable is to exist adjacent to collapse or obliteration. In that place we can feel extraordinarily alive and receptive to all sorts of things, creatively and spiritually. . . . It is a nuanced place that feels both dangerous and teeming with potential. It is the place where the big shifts can happen. The more time you spend there, the less worried you become of how you will be perceived or judged, and that is ultimately where the freedom is.

—Nick Cave,
Faith, Hope and Carnage

Properly deposited, given the right conditions, seeds hatch.



A pile of nine oyster crackers nested like eggs among the roots of an upturned tree trunk, beyond which flies a silhouetted bird over the sparkling bay

. . . He motioned me over to him, and gave me an extra bone button, to go with the four I’d bought. He put it into my hand and folded my fingers over it, and his own fingers were hard and dry, like sand; but he peered into my hand swiftly first; and then he said, Five for luck; for people of that kind consider four an unlucky number, and odd numbers luckier than even ones. And he gave me a quick and intelligent look with his shining black eyes, and he said, quite low so that the others did not hear it, There are sharp rocks ahead. Which I suppose there always are, Sir, and there had certainly been enough of them behind, and I had survived them; so I was not too daunted by that.

But then he said the strangest thing of all to me. He said, You are one of us.

And then he shouldered his pack and took up his staff, and walked away; and I was left wondering what he’d meant.

—Margaret Atwood,
Alias Grace


The fluffy brown cat sitting next to a half-grown gray-and-white kitten, chummy in sunlight—the brown cat smiling peacefully and perhaps knowingly, the kitten staring wide-eyed, one foot up, poised to bolt

Maybe I’m all I’m cracked up to be.


It was like becoming all crumbly, and cracking your outer shell—but not in a crazy way, not like turning into some kind of volcano spewing red hots, but rather, feeling your mind and your whole spirit becoming porous inside, like a malted milk ball.

. . . I felt this calm desolation, as though I had died.

—Allegra Goodman,
Paradise Park


Among dead leaves, a cracked, iridescent-blue, Ebonite bowling ball, inscribed in white with the name “B. Wyatt”

That was the year I dug out a wart from my knee with a penknife, discovering how deeply I could cut before it hurt, and what the roots of a wart looked like.

—Neil Gaiman,
The Ocean at the End of the Lane


A red pajama pantleg pulled up to reveal a knee with a flattened wart

It was almost all out of me—I could feel it—but I was too confident, too triumphant, and impatient, and I tugged too quickly, too hard, and the worm came off in my hand. The end of it that came out of me was oozing and broken, as if it had snapped off.

. . . The place on the sole of my foot where the worm had been throbbed and ached, and now my chest hurt too.

—Neil Gaiman,
The Ocean at the End of the Lane


The scuffed bottom of a bare foot with a small gouge in the heel

“. . . Were you scared, up here on your own?”

“Yes.”

“Did they try and get you out of the circle?”

“Yes.”

. . . “But you stayed where you were meant to be, and you didn’t listen to them. Well done. That’s quality, that is.” And she sounded proud. In that moment I forgot my hunger and I forgot my fear.

—Neil Gaiman,
The Ocean at the End of the Lane


Tall, young redwoods—and a few oaks—peering down protectively on a gloomy day

I think you should come away with me, Grace, he said. I don’t like the feel of things. . . .

At that I gave a shiver, for it was close to what I myself had been feeling, although I did not know it until then. But what would I do? I said.

You could travel with me, he said. You could be a medical clairvoyant . . . .

—Margaret Atwood,
Alias Grace

Maybe this risk has been in service to those I love most.



A carport-style tent in dense woods, set up as a cozy living space

She said, “We’ve gone further than I imagined. Further than I expected. I’m not really sure what kinds of things live out here on the margins.” . . .

I thought I was looking at a building at first: that it was some kind of tent, as high as a country church, made of gray and pink canvas that flapped in the gusts of storm wind, in that orange sky: a lopsided canvas structure aged by weather and ripped by time.

. . . I felt as if it was examining me, taking me apart. As if it knew everything about me—things I did not even know about myself. . . .

Rainy nights were the best of all: I would open my windows and put my head on my pillow and close my eyes and feel the wind on my face and listen to the trees sway and creak. There would be raindrops blown onto my face, too, if I was lucky, and I would imagine that I was in my boat on the ocean and that it was swaying with the swell of the sea.

—Neil Gaiman,
The Ocean at the End of the Lane

Maybe now I’m coming out of the bag.



The tabby nosing out of a cloudlike white plastic bag

Lettie squeezed my hand. “She’s going to make the hole go away,” she said. “I’ll hold your hand.” . . .

My heart pounded strangely. . . .

I said, “I’m sorry I let go of your hand, Lettie.”

“Oh, hush,” she said. “It’s always too late for sorries, but I appreciate the sentiment. And next time, you’ll keep hold of my hand no matter what she throws at us.”

I nodded. The ice chip in my heart seemed to warm then, and melt, and I began to feel whole and safe once more.

—Neil Gaiman,
The Ocean at the End of the Lane


Flat on a grassy spot near a tree, a big square of plywood with “HOLE” spraypainted on it, presumably covering a hole—except Neocities’ artificial unintelligence won’t let me upload the photo with the word, so I covered the word with a black “CENSORED” bar

I have woven a parachute out of everything broken;

—William Stafford, “Any Time”


A paraglider hanging in midair over a small parking area overlooking blue sky and blue sea

That next afternoon, in Room 21, in broad daylight, with the windows open and the faded curtains billowing, they laughed and cried and fucked with a joy whose gravity and innocence it fairly wrecks the autobiographer to think back on, and cried some more and fucked some more and lay next to each other with sweating bodies and full hearts and listened to the sighing of the pines. Patty felt like she’d taken some powerful drug that wasn’t wearing off, or like she’d fallen into an incredibly vivid dream that she wasn’t waking up from, except she was fully aware, from second to second, that it wasn’t a drug or a dream but just life happening to her, a life with only a present and no past, a romance unlike any romance she’d imagined.

—Jonathan Franzen,
Freedom